The Return Home

A Journey Back To Myself

I have spent the last several years searching for what is next for me on my personal path. From retreats in the mountains, to in person teachings, virtual learning, diving into books and listening to podcasts just to name a few.

I’ve struggled, I soared. I’ve sat with what I know and I’ve doubted everything in me.

This is my journey. Sitting in a hospital room with my mom, on the heels of my father-in-law’s death. This is my journey back to my true self - one moment at a time. One breath at a time.

It’s been a roller coaster of a ride solving one problem after another. Don’t we all feel that way sometimes? A season. But I think the truth is we are all in ruts and valleys and standing on mountain tops at different times in our lives. It ebbs and flows. Much like the river. Cutting through the dirt and mud and rock.

Grief is teaching me a lot.

How to process my holding… and my tears, to what happens in my body when I struggle to keep it together. FYI, keeping it together is not the goal. Processing grief through tears and silence and stumbling up and down the spiral staircase that it truly is, is a more honest reality.

I’ve never wanted such a soft heart. My hope as a Navy wife was that I would be strong. Stand with strength and courage. I needed to “hold down the fort”, so to say. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart.

I married my best friend just 66 days after turning 20 years old. Crazy, right! But we were going to do this life together and so we just needed to get going on it. And in those years, I was asked to grow up quickly and figure it out. My new motto became “sink or swim.”

I lost my softness.

I was tough. I could move my family across the country and back again. Find new schools, rip my child out of one and put them in another. I could find new doctors, spend holidays alone and be my children’s guide and hope of teaching them that they too are strong and able.

So here I am. Raw and soft… and I’m working on accepting my tender heart. Because it wants me to learn from it. Perhaps the world needs it. I’m not sure, but I’m leaning into what this heart is going to teach me this year.

I’ll take you on this journey with me. I hope we learn together. Maybe you’ll relate. Maybe you’ll grow. I think I will. For the seeds we plant will find it’s way through the dirt and muck. And in God’s perfect timing we will flourish.

Join the conversation….